Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Today,
I will wake up, but I won’t want to. I will shower, but with my eyes closed so I don’t have to witness the disaster that is my body. I will force food in my mouth, wishing that I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. I will call the person I love (even though I know that eventually he/she will leave me in the end due to my worthlessness) because then I won’t feel so alone. I will face the decisions I have to make (whether to force myself to be immersed in any kind of social situation today, whether it’s okay to just love a person regardless of gender, whether I deserve the willingness to love myself), even though the thought of any kind of decision drowns me the darkness of which I wish I could be a part. I won’t want to make it to tomorrow, but I will.

Today,

I will wake up, but I won’t want to. I will shower, but with my eyes closed so I don’t have to witness the disaster that is my body. I will force food in my mouth, wishing that I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. I will call the person I love (even though I know that eventually he/she will leave me in the end due to my worthlessness) because then I won’t feel so alone. I will face the decisions I have to make (whether to force myself to be immersed in any kind of social situation today, whether it’s okay to just love a person regardless of gender, whether I deserve the willingness to love myself), even though the thought of any kind of decision drowns me the darkness of which I wish I could be a part. I won’t want to make it to tomorrow, but I will.

Notes